Just as what the title said.. will the past, ever leave me alone......

I am sick and tired of people keep mentioning to me about my past.. it is over.. it is history.. it cannot be re-do... it cannot be un-do.. instead of picking onto the past, why not just look forwards, go ahead? is there even a point of poking into the past?

this is not a showing of me not willing to face the fact, the truth.. it is about the necessary to do so.. I can face the fact that i am not good enough.. but i dont see the point of you keep going back to the past and mourn over it just because you are not good enough.. other than going back to you not being good enough, why not.. think of what to do to make this issue better, what to do to solve this issue and problem.. What is the point of talking about the past? it just makes things WORSE?~ isnt it?

its just about the passport photo.. i couldnt find it.. and when i gave up, you scolded me for making you find.. THEN?! what you want me to do?!?!?! kill myself for giving up in finding? What is the point of keep finding when you know that it CANNOT BE FOUND?!?!?

In the end, it is always my fault.. Faults starts from the way i talk till the things i do.. Then insults come in..

"If you are so awesome, why till now haven find a job?"

"So lihai? then why uni dont want you? why cant you go into uni?"

" Play.. play somemore.. who ask you Year 2 dont want to study properly?"

Is this the fact?! YES.. IT IS..

I cant get into a fucking uni
I didnt get any job despite of any job interview
I didnt do well in year 2 sem 1 due to r/s problem..

I ADMIT THESE ARE ALL FACTS! but these are the FACTS that i can NEVER CHANGE..
If I can change, i wont be in this school..
If I can change, i wont be in this world either..

Sometimes, it is just hard to be in this family.. They always expects you to do this and that..

They want you to get married to this kind of people.. That kind of people NO..
They want you to do this kind of job, that kind of job NO

Forever, i have be in their way.. their set of thinking.. but they are never in mine..

I just hate it whenever somethings happens, i cannot say them.. but when something happens to me, they will grab hold of every chance just to shoot me...

IS THERE A POINT?! -.-

今天,我們又吵架了.

發現了嗎?這已經是我們在第三月裡的第幾次了?

不知道為什麼,我今天非常的受傷...就因為這句話： if you are so good, then go solo lor...

知道嗎，我覺得很受傷，就好像你非常看不起我的感覺。雖然我知道，我有很多地方不如你，但是我也在很努力,希望可以配得上你.. 可是這一切,都因為你的那句話給抹掉了...

我,在認識你之前,是一個天不怕地不怕的人. 可是你知道嗎? 我現在很害怕.. 害怕哪一天，你會不會像喜歡我一樣，很快的就不喜歡我了...

我在乎，我害怕，有時候甚至會因為你而放下很多的想法，甚至是我的驕傲...

可是，當你說你因為你的驕傲而不願意和我打電話，我真的很傷心... 原來，你可以因為自己的驕傲，而完全不顧我的感覺... 連一句安慰的話也沒有..

現在我就好像是沒有刺的刺蝟... 心裡的不舒服，已經沒有人可以說了... 因為你不喜歡，所以我都憋在心裡，希望我們可以有一天可以說清楚...

你曾經問過我：為甚麼現在的我那麼小心翼翼？為甚麼動不動就說對不起..

因為我在乎.. 所以我會小心翼翼...

有時候，我就是喜歡做一個寵壞的小孩子，希望你可以哄一哄... 可是你的自尊和驕傲，讓你沒辦法這麼做.. 我理解... 所以很多時候,我會自我安慰...

有時候，在學校裡，我會覺得，我們很像是兩個世界的人... 我一直覺得我不如你.. 有時候，我覺得我很棒的東西，你卻會開始給一些意見，讓我覺得我真的很糟糕..

你, 在學校會那麼的有名，走到哪裡，都有認識的人...
可是我，走到哪裡都覺得很拘束... 因為不可以給你丟臉，我莫名的覺得有點失落...

我想找回我的刺... 可是，已經找不回來了... 再也找不回來了... 但是如果你願意，就給幾句安慰的話，對我來說，就已經足夠了... 可是，會嗎？可能嗎？

Okay.. i thought that 2012 is gonna be an awesome year because i spend awesome with Baby that day.. went Sentosa, had good food, watched movie... But things aint better after that.. (yea.. sadly)

okay.. DISCLAIMER: below content are purely my blur-out words.. only valid at this point of time.. might or might not be about anyone or shooting anyone..

I feel like i am in a breaking point where i am sick and tired of what is happening to me.. Yes.. maybe i am not cherishing what i am having.. maybe i am being greedy about life.. YES.. maybe.. but there are thing in life that i want as well..

when you told me that i am not ambitious enough.... not being joke.. i am hurt..
when you told me that do you have something that you wanted badly in life? desperately in life? that even when you will dream about it...

All i can say is.. YES.. I HAVE.. everyone has a dream.. everyone has an ambition.. everyone has a direction of life that they wanna go.. but there are things in life that will block you from doing it.. Reality.. Parents.. People around you.. MANY THINGS...

I believe the time that we went for RAMEN session, i told you what is my ambition.. what is my dream.. But there are times, i have to give up.. There are times that i have to let it go....

Parents.. they want me to get a stable job, get a good guy and married and have my own family.... But i want something more.. but do i have a chance of getting it? Do i have a chance of doing it? NO.. i dont..

I love dancing.. i love to be on the stage.. I have a chance once.. but i couldnt take it.. because they dont want me to be in this mess.. they even threaten me if i take it.. i will lose them.. do i have a choice? i have to give up..

I want to be in the forensic area.. i work so hard for it.. but my parents thinks that no future.. they didnt want me to branch into that..

I always look for things that i love to do.. but i always dont get it.. WHY? because they feel that NO FUTURE!!!

Because of being realistic.. having the NO FUTURE mindset.. i dont have a chance to try out.. i dont have a chance to do so many things.. No matter how desperate i was.. i cant take it..

You know i have an offer.. but i turned it down.. WHY.. because my parents want me to stay here in Singapore.. or even out to other country.. and not BACK THERE... Do i have a choice? NO..

Because every time i want it.. they will use things like.... Family or what you want.. WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE? i believe you would wanna choose family eh?

Maybe to you.. I am like a spolit brat.. complaining about my life... complaining about my parents.. complaining about what i am going through every single day.. comparing to you.. all my issues are like tiny small bits.. YES.. I agree.. i dont ever deny that.. i agree with it....

Maybe to you.. your issues are more than i can handle.. but it is not about the handling part.. is about sharing and helping each other out.. If because we are not in the same frequency, we stop sharing.. then what is this all about?

I am trying my best to get to your frequency sometimes.. but.. sometimes, i couldnt.. maybe we really have a gap in between us that is trying to give up problems?

We see things differently.. due to our different experience.. will it ever meet one day?

sometimes i hate to be me myself... i hate myself being so timid and useless.. but to me.. family is more important.. i am sorry.. i guess this is the problem with girls? I can do many things.. i know i am capable of it.. i know i am able to do many things with my ability.. but what can i do? what should i do?

I hate my life too.. very much..


phew.. enough of the blabbling.. maybe whatever i write might hurt.. whatever i write might make certain people feels that i am unreasonable or i am a TOTAL BITCH! or i might even make you dislike me.. or hate me or even feel like.. " this  bitch is hopeless.. im not gonna talk to her ever" or this post might even change you all along thought for me..

All i can say is.. IM SORRY.. but this is what i am feeling at this moment.. at this point of time.. if i really mean to hurt you.. i am sorry..


Lots of love
Nanako

Its the last day of 2011.. And before i welcome the new year 2012, i would like to do a little flashback, or a little recall of the things that i have done or gone through in the year of 2011..

Irene's 9th Birthday(Jan)


Irene's birthday.. Of course, May still around with us.. 



May's Birthday (Feb)
May's last birthday over here in Singapore.. She has been with us for the past 4 years.. even though she had done many things that i made me pissed off.. but overall she is a good friend, a good listener.. She is there for me no matter what happened and listen to me complain no matter what happened..


Holiday @ Sunway Lagoon (May)


Went Sunway Lagoon with family and had an awesome time there.. Even though without 3G is an ass for me.. but i managed to get what i needed at that time and managed to contact people! YAY! HAHA XD

Got my driving license (May)

Got my license a day before my bday.. This is like the BEST PRESENT EVER!! <3 Yes.. i managed to be able to drive around Singapore when i am 18.. :P hahaha.. Okay la! i played cheat! hahaha.. And i am so happy because i managed to pass on first trial!! YAY! so i m happy.. ^^

Radio DJ Audition (May)


I went for Radio DJ audition organised by MediaCorp with Nirija... Just for the fun of it of course.. :P HAHA.. Went to Orchard Central and tried out the audition for it.. :)


So You Wanna Be A DJ Top 8 Photoshoot (June)

Selected for SYWBDJ Top 8! It was the best experience ever.. And i managed to know A LOT OF AWESOME FRIENDS!!! Had my first studio photoshoot.. And its like AWESOME? haha.. Managed to meet awesome friends like Kenneth, Xiaoyun, Jingting, Lixin.. And we made awesome friends.. Of course not forgetting the 98.7FM peeps..!!!

So You Wanna Be A DJ Press Conference (June)
Went for the SYWBDJ Press Conference! It was the most awesome experience EVER! Managed to see awesome people in the radio industry.. Not yet a celebrity.. but i feel like one of course.. People nowadays know me as 933 DJ.. haha.. even though i am not in it.. HAHHA.. How cool is that? hahaa.. :P

Having myself featured in the TODAY newpaper with ton lots of other people! Althought i am like in the corner.. but it is still afterall an interesting experience! YAY! :)

SYWBADJ 1st Episode (June)
In 933 Studio, getting ready for the first EP of the DJ contest... It was an overall awesome one.. I managed to pass through the first round.. Although nervous, i managed to go through this.. and made it to the next round! YAY!

SYWBADJ 2nd Episode (June)
Didnt made pass the 2nd round.. but this is afterall an interesting and exciting experience for me.. to know a lot of people.. and gone through what i have never been going through.. Its an experience that no one could snatch it away from it.. No one could ever take it away.. I can label it as MY MEMORY, MY EXPERIENCE..

FYP in process (July)
Everyone working hard for FYP.. although it is being a BITCH to everyone of us.. but we enjoyed the process.. even though there are complains, unhappiness among the group.. But.. of course.. there are happy things going through when we work together.. LOVE YOU GUYS! <3

SYWBADJ Finals ( July)
Theres always a start and an ending to life.. So goes to events.. For this.. we have a grand finals.. with both YongSheng and Heyi.. Heyi is the big winner.. but everyone in the top 8 are winners.. We are all winners.. because we gained experiences, friendship through this experience! And i am glad that no one who win in this contest, we will give each other support.. :)

1st Event hosting in White Sands! (August)


Its a 2 day hosting event but this is the 1st experience ever.. Hosting for Kidz Academy for SPHere.. Thanks to Jingting, I managed to have this experience.. :) I enjoyed every parts and bits of it.. and enjoyed everything of it..

Teaching in Tanglin Secondary School (September)

Went to TSS and taught Maths.. And met a bunch of awesome kids.. spent hari raya with them wearing their traditional costume! YAY! how awesome is that eh? HAHA.. had fun!! Teaching is tough.. but its a great challenge.. and i enjoyed every bits and parts of it!

Kish's Wedding and GOR gathering! (September)


Kish's wedding was held in a very beautiful mosque.. Had a chance to meet up with everyone in GOR.. and it is an awesome thing! Took many awesome pics of course.. and enjoyed ourselves.. It has been a while ever since we met each other..!!

Deepavali @ Nirija's place (October)
Deepavali in Nirija's house with Yunita.. Changed into traditional costume.. and i think i look awesome in that! HAHA.. had a lot of fun that day..!!

Radio Awards (November)

Met up with most of the top 8 and had an awesome and wonderful night.. Managed to witness The Muttons' hosting skills and managed to experience LIVE TV!

1st Jamming Session with Church Mates for Worship! (December)


Went jamming for worship.. and had an awesome time with ALL.. although Jason is not in the pic.. but  i think he wun mind la.. :P HAHA.. We girls are AWESOME! Yea? haha

1st Christmas Celebration with Baby <3 (December)

Went Sentosa and spent some times there! YAY! Had an awesome day.. but was aching cuz of the stupid heels.. Although we are both BUSY people.. But we will always have time for each other.. Even though we always have some issue.. but we know we are there for each other.. :) LOVE YOU LOTS BABY! <3

Snow City with Irene AT LAST! (December)

Snow City was fun.. although something happened in the end.. but to Irene, its like a AT LAST!! Promised her since holiday start.. and i finally managed to do what i promised at the last day of 2011!!! I feel proud of myself.. :P

Lastly... APPEARANCE CHANGES since JAN-DEC

Start of new term in SP

During K session..

Sunway Lagoon Trip

During Birthday

Photoshoot

Press Conference

In Pajamas

looking cute

 

New haircut

with baby's jacket:P

Deepavali 2011

Looking sian

Acting Cute

Radio Award

Chio-er alr..

With Purii...

Okay.. i realise i like to act cute.. :P HEHEHE......
But i realise i become chio-er liao.. MUHAHAHA!! 女大十八变嘛..
Okay.. i am alr 19.. but i m forever 18!!


2012 wishes...

1. Pass my poly life with a good graduation..
2. Be happy with BABY.. hehehe.. :P
3. Play back my Piano!!
4. Get an awesome job..
5. SLIM DOWN!!!!!!!!!!
6. Be chio... and go for GRADUATION TRIP!!!!


I think thats all for what i can think of? Okay.. its a freaking long post.. but most of it are pictures.. hehehehe...


HAPPY NEW YEAR!! wishing all the best in everything!!

LOTS OF LOVE
Nanako

Christmas is coming in.... hmmm... like me count.. 12 days~~~!!!
Cant wait for Christmas to come.. CUZ.. i m gonna exchange presents with Beatrice, Weiyi (not sure yet though), Yunita and Nirija!! OF COURSE.. my dearest family!!! XD hehehehehehe.....

Wellll..... i have nth to do.. cuz weiyi is not around!! :( He went Kanazawa, Japan for some school trip.. So he's only gonna be back like.. in... 9 days and still counting down.. Luckily he talked to me through whatsapp and msn.. if not i am so gonna go crazy in missing him.. :P hehehe...

Welll... Okay.. let me think.. what am i wanting the most.. hmmm.. okay...



1.   Matching bra and undies.. hehe.. :P
okay.. i dont like the model.. but i do love the pattern of the bra.. ESPECIALLY when its PINKK!!!!
as for what size, ask me personally la hor.. I'm not gonna publise for the whole world to know.. :P


2.   Dresses!
I always love long dresses.. but mummy always say i dont look nice in it.. CUZ I AM SHORT!! :( hmmph.. so i wanna wear it sometimes.. :P
The second one was just purely cute luh.. no doubt.. and i think i wear liao will nice? BUT I PREFER THE PINK ONE!! :P hehehe..

Okay.. i seriously think i got serious obsession with PINK stuff.. this is like a SINCE YOUNG THING!!!

3. Wedges

Okay.. i love wedges.. cuz its not tiring to wear them.. and it makes me look taller.. BY A LOT!!! But i prefer those wedges, with the grass being plaid together kinda feeling... it just made the whole thing looks nicer by a lot.. but i think this pattern is cute? HEHE.. but idk if i really fit on me though..



4.  Heels

Yess.. i am so obsessed with it as well.. :P hehehe.. but i have no particular design in mind.. but i do have a colour in mind.. WHICH IS RED!!! waaa.. thats gonna be so sexy.. hopefully on me as well.. :P hehehe


5. Belts

Was hoping to get a belt for my dresses.. cuz i love wearing belts? High waist somemore.. it will just makes myself looks skinny and with more shape? but i do prefer black ones? cuz it make the waist looks even smallerr!!!!




6. Accessories

Yes.. I am so into accessories.. RINGS, BRACELETS, NECKLACES.. hehehe... i just LOVE accessories!! haha.. any of them just made me feels happier.. WAY HAPPIER!! WOO!

7. Bags

Okay.. this should be in my TOP listing.. cuz my current one CUI.. :(  but i also dk which style suits me the best.. HAIS.. shall see how luh..


Hmm.. okay.. its getting late.. and i better get sleeping cuz i promised weiyi i m gonna be a good girl, sleeping early and on time.. :P

Please tmr also gonna meet up with FYP to settle some stuff.. HAIS.. i shall not go into it cuz it just will ruin the whole mood of mine.. after chatting with weiyi..  Shall make my night an awesome one.. ^^

 Lots of love
Nanako